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  #1  
Old 01-30-2010, 12:53 PM
blackfang blackfang is offline
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Default Well i guess this i my story

First of, i would just like to say i will use a new story. Paran is not part of it, perhaps i should intertwine them later but for now this is at least a stand alone story. Also it will start somewhere unexpected.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-IzVUOtMHa4 In this song you should know that the part of it that fits in is from 2:05 but listen to all of it anyway I think it fits but it is up to you Also Thorfinn is the main character.
Sorry for the long wait but here it is;

The emergence
The night was cold as the rain hit the deck with fearsome fury, the dragon ship was riding the waves. Wave after wave hit the ship, and the deck was almost covered with water. People were praying to the gods, and one sailor threw up on the deck right in front of the chieftain. The chieftain was a large man named Thor, named after the great god Thor with the hammer. His son Thorfinn was sitting between two archers at the front of the dragon ship. In the distance it was possible to see other dragon ships and hear the screams as two ships collided, the pitch black water pulled people under with a power more devastating than any army. "If not for this storm we should have already reached York, Njord help us." Thorfinn muttered. Even tough everyone were terrified, the huscarls looked completely calm. In fact they were terrified too but they were disciplined to show no fear. If it was not for the call of arms from Harald Hardrada then we wouldn't have sent ten thousand men in this storm. He was about to start a large battle and needed reinforcements and thus we are here, we probably will loose many to the depths that could have come to Valhalla if they had a chance to prove it. Then he saw a giant wave. Then to a relief he saw that hundreds of ships still remained as the giant wave took them all, including this ship to an entirely different direction. As the ships followed the wave, suddenly Thorfinn felt like he was pressed through a wall. Then it went dark, even tough he tried everything the consciousness faded.

Suddenly Thorfinn found his consciousness coming back, and as he opened his eyes the light was incredibly bright. He felt a wooden floor beneath himself, everything was so still it felt like he had dreamed about the storm. Then he heard people around beginning to say "am i alive" and "was that a dream?" He gathered strength and got to his feet and looked around, there were hundreds of ships with sails up in a wind still ocean. Then straight ahead he saw a giant green shoreline. He was so excited that he had to tell his father, then he looked towards where his father had been during the storm. He was not there, then he looked around and saw no sign of him. Then he asked one of the huscarls that was close to Thor during the whole voyage. "Bjórn have you seen my father?" Bjórn answered while displaying a sad expression. "When the giant wave hit he fell over the side of the boat." Suddenly from the other ships there came commands to roll up the sail and start rowing. So as not to fall behind, Thorfinn yelled out. "Get to the oars." The soldiers stood frozen for a second then they began to follow the order. Then a huscarl found two drumsticks and bashed the drum and the ships around started to align to that. Not long after the entire fleet was in top speed, speeding towards the shore.

After ten minutes they reached the shore, ship after ship rushed up on the shore. The first thing to happen was to ask if any other ship had picked up Thor, as none had they started a memorial service for him and the others who were lost at sea. Then they counted the warriors, around 7 000 able men and exactly 200 wounded from getting thrown around, nothing serious really. Since Thor had disappeared Thorfinn had not really had time to mourn seriously. So he mourned by himself inside the little tent that had been set up for him since he was after all the leader's son. Then three huscarls came in and knelt saying; "You are our new leader." He steeled himself and asked "Why do you want me? I am barely of age." Then one of the huscarls said. "You are the heir of Thor, of course you are to be the chieftain." So Thorfinn walked outside and every viking in the lair knelt towards him, waiting for his commands. So he gave the commands to the closest people. "Ragnar, take your soldiers and that of Steinar and Harald with you and start making a fortification. We have come to an unknown place so best be prepared for an attack right away then getting taken by surprise." All three saluted and took of with most of the soldiers. "Grimnar i want you and your archers to go and hunt for food. We don't have unlimited food. Also take a few of them and send them scouting in every direction so we might find out where we are." Grimnar saluted and ran off yelling commands. So Thorfinn found some time by himself to relax, and waited a few hours doing practically nothing.

Later that day some scouts had returned, most of them were either wounded or mentally disorganized, they said that dragons were flying and monsters roamed around. Also something about walking trees, tough one of them came with good news. There was a giant walled in city not far from the camp. Also it was turning into night now, and after those reports everyone would agree that they stay in the camp for the night.



So basically that is the first chapter in my (dunno what to call it) chronicles Also i will continue later i think
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Old 01-30-2010, 02:49 PM
Feweh Feweh is offline
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Umm, if it's your first chapter you gotta set things up.


To much crap is happening and you jump to one thing to the next every other sentence. One second you're talking about his dad then archers then soldiers. Then later on you're talking about his dad falling over the ship randomly..

It's to jumpy if you're putting it in book style you need to not confuse the hell outta everyone on the first chapter.

It's basicly messy and needs cleaning up....

Good work though
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Old 01-30-2010, 03:22 PM
Kire Kire is offline
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Nice start of the story =), so you are mixing little real history and fantasy =P? No wonder why Harald Hardrada lost battle, since he lost 10k units even before battle =P. And bdw the story and all is very nice but it would be nicer if you would describe more the land as where they landed and all around they could see, cuz i cant imagine how would it look like. Dont want to be a prick but if you land in unknown you would first look for fresh water before even going looking for food i guess =). Now i am looking forward what will happen next.
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Old 01-30-2010, 05:01 PM
blackfang blackfang is offline
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You are right it is messy but, Well this was just a prologue and the reason for being so messy was that i was checking up on history around the Internet while doing it. I just wanted to import vikings from real life to this, so sorry for being messy. The real things start in the next chapter, we need an inexperienced commander for things to get interesting. So as this is a prologue this is supposed to be just a brief explanation of why how and when they got there and why he owns a huge army, it wouldnt be fun to read about a person who was like this; Then Nafa looked out watching his army sailing to the shore, and suddenly understood that he was really a ******. this is not the real story. Also that about the confusion in it was because everything went like that for Thorfinn, he saw one thing after another also i didn't think Thor needed that much of a explanation since i already decided he was a goner. I just didn't know when i was supposed to let him go. Also now that i am done with the history part i can get on with my fantasy:P Also that about water well i guess that might be good and all that but i will describe it better next time, i was too caught up in history to think of much more (also it is not real history that 10 k men was expected, but Harald did expect soldiers that never arrived.) So we will see how the next chapter becomes
Hopefully i have a better overview then since i will just be using fantasy and not other sources
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Last edited by blackfang : 01-30-2010 at 05:04 PM.
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  #5  
Old 01-30-2010, 08:16 PM
zach12wqasxz zach12wqasxz is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Feweh View Post
Umm, if it's your first chapter you gotta set things up.


To much crap is happening and you jump to one thing to the next every other sentence. One second you're talking about his dad then archers then soldiers. Then later on you're talking about his dad falling over the ship randomly..

It's to jumpy if you're putting it in book style you need to not confuse the hell outta everyone on the first chapter.

It's basicly messy and needs cleaning up....

Good work though
way to put him down, the good work comment was pretty pointless you should of just said u thought it was crap, its not like were all reknowned authors man
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Old 01-30-2010, 08:51 PM
Supreme Supreme is offline
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Relax zach, I thought it were pretty constructive arguments. At least now black knows what to work on .
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  #7  
Old 01-31-2010, 07:44 AM
blackfang blackfang is offline
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Well yeah, it doesn't put me down, i totally got what i did wrong this time. But as this was just a prologue i didn't use much fantasy i focused on the history part so you would know where 7.2 k vikings from our history came in.

Anyway perhaps i will continue tomorrow, today is the last day of the weekend so i will use it constructively and get my homework for this week done (at least the create a song)
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Last edited by Puppeteer : 01-31-2010 at 10:50 AM. Reason: Double post
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  #8  
Old 01-31-2010, 10:36 AM
Negthareas Negthareas is offline
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Good read Blackfang, liked the historical fiction aspect - is this in Mythador, or is it strictly fantasy? I guess I'll find out in ch. 2
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  #9  
Old 01-31-2010, 12:05 PM
blackfang blackfang is offline
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Well i don't really know yet but probably, we will see (when i write NORMALLY i just make up the story as i write it)
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Old 01-31-2010, 12:40 PM
welshie welshie is offline
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For me, the start was alot better than mine, then it drifted of as you probably wanted just to write the end, like as in your writing and just want to get to the next bit and miss the inbetween, I normaly do it... For me the prologue shouldnt be any different that writing a story tho, even more so, as you have to descibe the land and the characters and what has happened before hand so that the readers can visulise what they can. That and it was rather short :P i know u dont have a lot of time so ill let you off
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