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View Full Version : Well i guess this i my story


blackfang
01-30-2010, 11:53 AM
First of, i would just like to say i will use a new story. Paran is not part of it, perhaps i should intertwine them later but for now this is at least a stand alone story. Also it will start somewhere unexpected.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-IzVUOtMHa4 In this song you should know that the part of it that fits in is from 2:05 but listen to all of it anyway:) I think it fits but it is up to you:D Also Thorfinn is the main character.
Sorry for the long wait but here it is;

The emergence
The night was cold as the rain hit the deck with fearsome fury, the dragon ship was riding the waves. Wave after wave hit the ship, and the deck was almost covered with water. People were praying to the gods, and one sailor threw up on the deck right in front of the chieftain. The chieftain was a large man named Thor, named after the great god Thor with the hammer. His son Thorfinn was sitting between two archers at the front of the dragon ship. In the distance it was possible to see other dragon ships and hear the screams as two ships collided, the pitch black water pulled people under with a power more devastating than any army. "If not for this storm we should have already reached York, Njord help us." Thorfinn muttered. Even tough everyone were terrified, the huscarls looked completely calm. In fact they were terrified too but they were disciplined to show no fear. If it was not for the call of arms from Harald Hardrada then we wouldn't have sent ten thousand men in this storm. He was about to start a large battle and needed reinforcements and thus we are here, we probably will loose many to the depths that could have come to Valhalla if they had a chance to prove it. Then he saw a giant wave. Then to a relief he saw that hundreds of ships still remained as the giant wave took them all, including this ship to an entirely different direction. As the ships followed the wave, suddenly Thorfinn felt like he was pressed through a wall. Then it went dark, even tough he tried everything the consciousness faded.

Suddenly Thorfinn found his consciousness coming back, and as he opened his eyes the light was incredibly bright. He felt a wooden floor beneath himself, everything was so still it felt like he had dreamed about the storm. Then he heard people around beginning to say "am i alive" and "was that a dream?" He gathered strength and got to his feet and looked around, there were hundreds of ships with sails up in a wind still ocean. Then straight ahead he saw a giant green shoreline. He was so excited that he had to tell his father, then he looked towards where his father had been during the storm. He was not there, then he looked around and saw no sign of him. Then he asked one of the huscarls that was close to Thor during the whole voyage. "Bjˇrn have you seen my father?" Bjˇrn answered while displaying a sad expression. "When the giant wave hit he fell over the side of the boat." Suddenly from the other ships there came commands to roll up the sail and start rowing. So as not to fall behind, Thorfinn yelled out. "Get to the oars." The soldiers stood frozen for a second then they began to follow the order. Then a huscarl found two drumsticks and bashed the drum and the ships around started to align to that. Not long after the entire fleet was in top speed, speeding towards the shore.

After ten minutes they reached the shore, ship after ship rushed up on the shore. The first thing to happen was to ask if any other ship had picked up Thor, as none had they started a memorial service for him and the others who were lost at sea. Then they counted the warriors, around 7 000 able men and exactly 200 wounded from getting thrown around, nothing serious really. Since Thor had disappeared Thorfinn had not really had time to mourn seriously. So he mourned by himself inside the little tent that had been set up for him since he was after all the leader's son. Then three huscarls came in and knelt saying; "You are our new leader." He steeled himself and asked "Why do you want me? I am barely of age." Then one of the huscarls said. "You are the heir of Thor, of course you are to be the chieftain." So Thorfinn walked outside and every viking in the lair knelt towards him, waiting for his commands. So he gave the commands to the closest people. "Ragnar, take your soldiers and that of Steinar and Harald with you and start making a fortification. We have come to an unknown place so best be prepared for an attack right away then getting taken by surprise." All three saluted and took of with most of the soldiers. "Grimnar i want you and your archers to go and hunt for food. We don't have unlimited food. Also take a few of them and send them scouting in every direction so we might find out where we are." Grimnar saluted and ran off yelling commands. So Thorfinn found some time by himself to relax, and waited a few hours doing practically nothing.

Later that day some scouts had returned, most of them were either wounded or mentally disorganized, they said that dragons were flying and monsters roamed around. Also something about walking trees, tough one of them came with good news. There was a giant walled in city not far from the camp. Also it was turning into night now, and after those reports everyone would agree that they stay in the camp for the night.



So basically that is the first chapter in my (dunno what to call it) chronicles:p Also i will continue later i think:D

Feweh
01-30-2010, 01:49 PM
Umm, if it's your first chapter you gotta set things up.


To much crap is happening and you jump to one thing to the next every other sentence. One second you're talking about his dad then archers then soldiers. Then later on you're talking about his dad falling over the ship randomly..

It's to jumpy if you're putting it in book style you need to not confuse the hell outta everyone on the first chapter.

It's basicly messy and needs cleaning up....

Good work though

Kire
01-30-2010, 02:22 PM
Nice start of the story =), so you are mixing little real history and fantasy =P? No wonder why Harald Hardrada lost battle, since he lost 10k units even before battle =P. And bdw the story and all is very nice but it would be nicer if you would describe more the land as where they landed and all around they could see, cuz i cant imagine how would it look like. Dont want to be a prick but if you land in unknown you would first look for fresh water before even going looking for food i guess =). Now i am looking forward what will happen next.

blackfang
01-30-2010, 04:01 PM
You are right it is messy but, Well this was just a prologue and the reason for being so messy was that i was checking up on history around the Internet while doing it. I just wanted to import vikings from real life to this, so sorry for being messy. The real things start in the next chapter, we need an inexperienced commander for things to get interesting. So as this is a prologue this is supposed to be just a brief explanation of why how and when they got there and why he owns a huge army, it wouldnt be fun to read about a person who was like this; Then Nafa looked out watching his army sailing to the shore, and suddenly understood that he was really a ******. this is not the real story. Also that about the confusion in it was because everything went like that for Thorfinn, he saw one thing after another also i didn't think Thor needed that much of a explanation since i already decided he was a goner. I just didn't know when i was supposed to let him go. Also now that i am done with the history part i can get on with my fantasy:P Also that about water well i guess that might be good and all that but i will describe it better next time, i was too caught up in history to think of much more (also it is not real history that 10 k men was expected, but Harald did expect soldiers that never arrived.) So we will see how the next chapter becomes:D
Hopefully i have a better overview then since i will just be using fantasy and not other sources:rolleyes:

zach12wqasxz
01-30-2010, 07:16 PM
Umm, if it's your first chapter you gotta set things up.


To much crap is happening and you jump to one thing to the next every other sentence. One second you're talking about his dad then archers then soldiers. Then later on you're talking about his dad falling over the ship randomly..

It's to jumpy if you're putting it in book style you need to not confuse the hell outta everyone on the first chapter.

It's basicly messy and needs cleaning up....

Good work though

way to put him down, the good work comment was pretty pointless you should of just said u thought it was crap, its not like were all reknowned authors man

Supreme
01-30-2010, 07:51 PM
Relax zach, I thought it were pretty constructive arguments. At least now black knows what to work on ;).

blackfang
01-31-2010, 06:44 AM
Well yeah, it doesn't put me down, i totally got what i did wrong this time. But as this was just a prologue i didn't use much fantasy i focused on the history part so you would know where 7.2 k vikings from our history came in.

Anyway perhaps i will continue tomorrow, today is the last day of the weekend so i will use it constructively and get my homework for this week done (at least the create a song):D

Negthareas
01-31-2010, 09:36 AM
Good read Blackfang, liked the historical fiction aspect - is this in Mythador, or is it strictly fantasy? I guess I'll find out in ch. 2

blackfang
01-31-2010, 11:05 AM
Well i don't really know yet but probably, we will see (when i write NORMALLY i just make up the story as i write it)

welshie
01-31-2010, 11:40 AM
For me, the start was alot better than mine, then it drifted of as you probably wanted just to write the end, like as in your writing and just want to get to the next bit and miss the inbetween, I normaly do it... For me the prologue shouldnt be any different that writing a story tho, even more so, as you have to descibe the land and the characters and what has happened before hand so that the readers can visulise what they can. That and it was rather short :P i know u dont have a lot of time so ill let you off :D

blackfang
01-31-2010, 01:20 PM
Well like i said it is not really that i focused on the story since i rather focused on the facts so the vikings would seem a bit more real, i tried to find everything i could about the vikings. So basically it got messy because of that sorry again... But when i am back to using fantasy it would be easier:D Also all the names mentioned are used by vikings the battle outside york is real, the soldiers he was expecting was real but no the amount tough:p I even checked up on the ranks like huscarls and bˇndi (freemen) and that they were not fond of using bows, they wanted to get close to get the kill. It was not enough honor in bows, the vikings excelled in melee and cut down 10-1 ratio most of the time. When they want to curse someone they put nid in their name, they can curse someone by putting a horse skull on a pole pointing to the home of the one they want to curse. The vikings thought the power of the words to be equally as powerful as the sword. They did not want to drown as they would not go to valhalla then, the god of seafaring is commonly known as Njord or another name i don't remember. Thor is the god of the thunder with his hammer mj÷llnir or something, Odin is the god over all the gods and got two birds which i dont remember the names on. So basically all this did i find just to make the vikings seem slightly real:) Basically this contributed to the poor formulating of the story since it was really just an explanation of how they got there i really wanted it to be accurate so sorry for messing up the story again.

Kire
01-31-2010, 03:02 PM
Odin is the god over all the gods and got two birds which i dont remember the names on

Huginn and Muninn =)

I read again and was thinking one more thing..... i did not do any research so could be wrong ..... isnt the number 10k for units little unrealistic for vikings? tho i guess nordlands werent much populated and to collect that much army? The other thing is, werent vikings under somekind clan leaders, so it would be also little impossible to have 10k vikings under one leader.
Well i dont have much knowledge about vikings so can be wrong and this is just my thinking =).
In my opinion if this is prologue its little too much detailed and goes too much in story, i would end it where they woke up and saw land.

blackfang
02-01-2010, 12:03 AM
well like i said the numbers were unrealistic but everything else was as realistic as i could research it to. I mean the Norwegian vikings were perhaps in the lowest numbers, but occasionally to get a larger pray the vikings gathered boats as they went till they had a HUGE army as to win the fight. For vikings a common enemy united them most of the time. Also sometimes the sami (those who live in north of Scandinavia and a bit of Russia) that lived a bit souther then the others could join the vikings, but it was less frequent than the vikings attacking and pillaging the sami people. You know what, look at "veiviseren" it is a Norwegian version of the pathfinder with a similarity (basically it is the same story just in Norway with the vikings still evil. but it is the sami people instead of the native Americans.)

blackfang
02-01-2010, 06:52 AM
Ok i got a very sad announcement (i cant write at all this week:eek: ) Today we suddenly got 5 projects (still make a song thingie we got a dancing project and make a dagger (for me) also we got make a news paper and make a presentation about devastating biological weapons of mass destruction) Also we got some deliver tasks most commonly known as make a presentation about what all the five main religions have in common and this week we got a trip to the neightbor town and a day when we are supposed to visit another school so this week is totally stressful:eek: :eek: :eek: Sometimes i wish god existed because then he can save me A N Y D A Y Damned school, just when i thought the homework scaled down a little it was only because of this:( Well i won't be much on this forum this week so hopefully you make some good stories when i am away welshie. (P.S Even if this might seem a bit unrealistic it is totally realistic i don't think they even bothered to look up on who have a project when and where so they stacked everything over a week or three.) Also that make a paper is not totally for this week (we are just going to write a bunch of papers to have a starting point.)

Kire
02-01-2010, 10:14 AM
Ok i got a very sad announcement (i cant write at all this week:eek: ) Today we suddenly got 5 projects (still make a song thingie we got a dancing project and make a dagger (for me) also we got make a news paper and make a presentation about devastating biological weapons of mass destruction) Also we got some deliver tasks most commonly known as make a presentation about what all the five main religions have in common and this week we got a trip to the neightbor town and a day when we are supposed to visit another school so this week is totally stressful:eek: :eek: :eek: Sometimes i wish god existed because then he can save me A N Y D A Y Damned school, just when i thought the homework scaled down a little it was only because of this:( Well i won't be much on this forum this week so hopefully you make some good stories when i am away welshie. (P.S Even if this might seem a bit unrealistic it is totally realistic i don't think they even bothered to look up on who have a project when and where so they stacked everything over a week or three.) Also that make a paper is not totally for this week (we are just going to write a bunch of papers to have a starting point.)

Huh you seem to be quite busy there, gl with those things than =). But dont let us just with prologue too long o.- .

Supreme
02-01-2010, 10:15 AM
Im sorry but that just wont do, we want our stories. :p

blackfang
02-01-2010, 12:45 PM
Wait to the weekend:p Tough this week is too full, i just barely got the one normal homework thingie done today (something we gotta deliver within two days) I gotta write a report and continue on with other stuff, ohh and tomorrow we are going to disect an eye and some organs of a pig... Also we gotta write a report there too, this is the busiest week ever!

zach12wqasxz
02-02-2010, 03:55 PM
Ok i got a very sad announcement (i cant write at all this week:eek: ) Today we suddenly got 5 projects (still make a song thingie we got a dancing project and make a dagger (for me) also we got make a news paper and make a presentation about devastating biological weapons of mass destruction) Also we got some deliver tasks most commonly known as make a presentation about what all the five main religions have in common and this week we got a trip to the neightbor town and a day when we are supposed to visit another school so this week is totally stressful:eek: :eek: :eek: Sometimes i wish god existed because then he can save me A N Y D A Y Damned school, just when i thought the homework scaled down a little it was only because of this:( Well i won't be much on this forum this week so hopefully you make some good stories when i am away welshie. (P.S Even if this might seem a bit unrealistic it is totally realistic i don't think they even bothered to look up on who have a project when and where so they stacked everything over a week or three.) Also that make a paper is not totally for this week (we are just going to write a bunch of papers to have a starting point.)

looks like your gonna be busy, gl with all that

blackfang
02-02-2010, 11:59 PM
Thx, anyway i hope that this week i will get lots of it done, (i am behind on the dagger i am behind on the make a song i don't have a group yet for the dancing project and biological weapons are so-so the five religions thing i am almost done with that. So basically i am behind on most of it so i got alot of catching up to do:p Hopefully i will not have to do alot in the weekend and then maybe.

Negthareas
02-04-2010, 05:38 PM
My first story post should be up on Saturday evening.

blackfang
02-05-2010, 06:33 AM
Ok now its weekend, but i can't imagine me doing it now so maybe tomorrow i just finished the shape of the dagger it is awesome! so i am dead tired and will probably not be able to do anything today. Tough a miracle can always happen:D

blackfang
02-06-2010, 01:04 PM
ok, since i don't think i will be able to do much now as i joined a clan on a game named battle grounds 2 right before the league it will be training and training and that is because i am in their bgl team. So basically i am going to try europe league with my friends on that game and that means no time for stories right now, just playing. Tough it won't be long till the league starts and once it is over i guess i can relax a little, anyways we lost our first game today so training schedule is increased. SORRY:( Also i just gotta do this because it seems fun and my friends need me. So no time for stories only for training, this is serious business.

Negthareas
02-06-2010, 06:27 PM
Don't worry Blackfang - I will try to fill in the gap. I should be starting a new thread tonight.